The amount of writing I’ve done has slowed down. There are a number of reasons but behind it all its mostly a sense that I’m not sure what to discuss. When I think about my positive qualities intelligence is easily on top, but I don’t feel I’ll ever get to a point were I’ll be an accepted source on any subject no matter how much time i spend reading, learning or studying something. I also just really don’t have a drive to specialize, but an intellectual everyman (more random and unrelated than a true jack of all trades) isn’t clear as to how one makes a career out of it.
Recently I’ve been thinking about different game characters of mine. I haven’t really played video games since January, so in some respects its about time for that urge to be kicking in anyhow. However each of my online alter ego’s is in a state of unfinished business. Runescape I never got 90+ in every skill; Ragnarok Online I never obtained even a fraction of all the equipment I wanted; and World of Warcraft I only ever participated in a single raid so gear is better but still not what it could be in the game. I used to play WoW every waking minute I wasn’t at work or asleep and though the massive time sink has been removed I still procrastinate with dips into archives of Anime or reading articles.
[Side note: decided to check a forum I frequent and ended up talking about mystical experiences, on which I pointed out that difficultly is said to be a way of teaching you something. I then recalled my thoughts about an intellectual everyman for a career.]
I know that I’ll ever feel ready to take on a career, but I prefer my process of learning to anything I’d put up with at a college. I’ve recently looked into volunteering but it seems I’m not really qualified for it because I don’t have that piece of paper. At the same time I suppose I’m not entirely sure what my skills or talents are. My concern has been to work on myself, so that I can better function in social environments; I contemplate government, religion and morality in hopes of unifying people; but in the end I still do my best to avoid them, if they can’t be avoided I’m absorbed in myself to where its not entirely important I make a connection. I think the end conclusion is I need to get out more.
My history with music has been about as advanced as that of drawing skills. I had an interest but never had the patience to get past the basics. Sheet Music has always been another language as well, but thats really another story. I still have an interest in both but I’ve chosen to break the mystique of music first. My main hurdle is perfectionism, and music doesn’t keep track of screw ups so it seems a good place to begin accepting failure without dwelling on it.
For a long time we owned an out of tune piano, my father played guitar (past tense because I haven’t seen him do it in years), and for a short time around 4th grade I had picked up the flute. Practice wasn’t something I could get in the habit of and to a certain extent I imagine I never really understood the point of it. I got an electric guitar for a birthday in high school, but only played sections of songs I learned in school. Today I got a hold of my mothers keyboard and watched a video or two on the basics of playing a piano. One of them explained the scales exercise which shouldn’t seem crazy enlightening but I never quite understood its purpose.
In half a minute it was actually quite clear. I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered someone explaining how or why to play them, so hearing the explanation of how to move your hand to do it was interesting and trying it, I can see the point of practice to get faster. The explanation was also useful in relation to my education on sheet music, obvious theres plenty more to the symbols I don’t understand but its a step toward converting it to something playable.
Be great if I could find a way to develop all my interests and make enough money to survive while doing it. I’ll figure it out eventually I’m sure, but doubtful thats soon enough for my family.
Being of an agnostic perspective I lean away from the major tug of war between atheist and theological thought on the existence of Gods. Pascal’s Wager appeals to me since it is based upon the idea that any truth on the subject is at best ambiguously incomprehensible; a point which I agree with and even most atheist’s acknowledge as reason against saying with certainty that there is no god. Blaise Pascel(1623-1662 AD) establishes a number of points in the vein of skepticism (and skepticism of skepticism) that lead to the wager being weighed solely upon the benefits and risks associated with the choice of belief or disbelief.
If God does exist, belief is rewarded and disbelief punished;
If God does not exist, there isn’t a reward or punishment for either case;
Therefore God should be believed in.
His conclusion wasn’t especially new, he just elaborated the foundation and clarified the points that weighted the decision. Protagoras(490-420 BC) wrote in the opening of On The Gods, “With regard to the gods, I cannot feel sure either that they are or that they are not, nor what they are like in figure; for there are many things that hinder sure knowledge, the obscurity of the subject and the shortness of life,” but was said to believe they should be worshipped regardless [Russell, History of Western Philosophy]. This position is one that I can’t help feeling was far easier to hold for Protagoras and Pascel because of their culture though.
Protagoras lived before the rise of overbearing monotheism (Worshippers not being exclusive to a single greek god), and Pascel likely only dealt with various forms of Judeo-Christian theology (a question of how to worship rather than who). Mentally I lump Yahweh, Jehovah/Spirit Through Jesus, and Allah as the same god; I would doubt followers do so but to me they are a single string thats frayed in different directions. This does bring up an issue with the Wager though, with so many variations of the same being and no way to know one more accurate then the other but each claiming to be the single god; Who do you worship?
This isn’t a large issue when you base your thoughts off the idea that the relationship with god and/or jesus is a personal one and the church holds no sway in the matter. The problem is that a large number of people do not hold this stance, and when complicated with the idea that they must liberate others from false gods, things get ugly. Richard Dawkins and Richard Carrier bring up the question of what is rewarded by this god and how is it awarded.
The idea of Dawkins and Carrier isn’t really that out there since the uber being and his “communications” are so impossible to confirm. The scripture certainly makes a case that belief is the most important aspect with evasion of sin being a strong plus. Drawing on the inability to confirm that as the case these men suggest that maybe God would reward a morally good person who lives life based on disbelief because it better appeals to his reason. Raising the question of what god rewards really throws a wrench in the dogmatic system, but its a fair question to raise.
Theres a quote I wanted to use here that I cannot find or recall in its original form, nor its author; but the essence is that If God is just, then those that live good lives have nothing to fear of him and if God is unjust good people would want nothing to do with him anyway. Due to our rather shortsightedness it would seem that a just God would really need to base things upon our intentions. It is after all impossible for a person to predict all the results of their accomplishments over even a short period. The car was a wonderful idea since it was cheaper than horses and a step towards cleaner cities (less disease etc), but from a modern perspective its a problem for the longevity of life on the planet.
If God is just why does it matter what name you use or multiplicity of entities make up your conception of the whole? I would much rather love and cultivate cultural diversity than wage an endless battle for the minds of men who might be better informed through different metaphysical imagery. I do not take pleasure in the idea that anyone should spend time purifying in the fires of hell, a purgatory or the bardo of becoming, but I can certainly understand the feeling when Erasmus writes:
“It will be pretty to hear their pleas before the great tribunal: one will brag how he mortified his carnal appetite by feeding only upon fish: another will urge that he spent most of his tme on earth in the divine exercise of singing psalms: . . . another, that in threescore years he never so much as touched a piece of money, except he fingered it through a thick pair of gloves.”
But Christ will interrupt: “Woe unto you, scribes and pharisees, . . . I left you but one precept, of loving one another, which I do not hear any one plead that he has faithfully discharged.”
The Praise of Folly
What about your theology is so attractive, that you would go horrors to others in the hope of enlightening a faction of that number?
What confirms your belief in your mythology of choice that isn’t somehow related to it?
Can you not trust the holy spirit or divine power to lead your children to safety if you were to let them be taught the mythology behind other view points? You do no fear the Greek, Egyptian or Norse Gods, why fear Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, The God/Goddess of the Sun or Moon, or the Spirits of Nature and Animals of the Shaman or Tribal society?
If followers of the same Scripture can’t agree amongst themselves what right do you have to suggest its a better mythology than any other?
I find myself fluctuating between moods of frustration, pointlessness and free spirit. Yesterday and today has been pointlessness and frustration.
Is it unrealistic to feel free spirited as one’s primary sense? I don’t mean to have no worries, but to retain that sense of lightness while confronting them. I enjoy wandering the web for information one whatever topic suits my interest at that moment and I’m aware there isn’t really a way to turn that interest into a pay check, but money isn’t the reason I do it. I suppose my search for knowledge is an unending quest in hopes of finding a philosophy that better suits the world than those that I am familiar with. I do believe I can start a domino effect like others in history but I also want to minimize the potential for it to do harm. I call it unending because one can never account for everything, but also because I doubt myself and sometimes wonder if I’ll ever find anything to offer.
When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change my town, and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realized that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.
- Unknown Monk, A.D. 1100
When it comes to changing myself, I encounter the issue that my desires are serious. As is my general dealings with my self. In demeanor I probably appear stoic, tired or entertained; internally I’m keeping most emotion in a cage and running from the pain it is, causes and threatens. Certainly its not a healthy psychology I’ve developed, but changing is tricky when your not certain how to go about it. The just do it attitude seems to simple and yet even in pondering it I never take the step, well lets try it for a week. Constantly seeking a path more attractive for dealing with those unattractive sides of myself. The just do it attitude might very well be the key to taking myself lightly.
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality, their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel?
- Jim Morrison
When I’m feeling content and free spirited, everything is good. The questions of life are under no rush to be answered specifically. However when I attempt to reign them in the mood turns to frustration because I don’t think I can answer them now; intermediate answers or projects I come up with seem forced and not worth devotion because they seem a distraction from finding an ultimate whole. Sure I’d like to move out of my parents house and support myself, but its not that big of a deal to me. I’d much rather stay here and consume information, building towards something great instead of wasting time working eight hours a day so i can afford health insurance I don’t need. I have noticed a disappointment when traffic to this site drops though, which when it happens fuels an attempt to bump it again.
Setting myself to that task however its at best a temporary bump and leads me to contemplating those tasks which I feel are forced. Theres a story that appeals to me in this sense:
Ch’ing, the chief carpenter, was carving wood into a stand for musical instruments. When finished, the work appeared to those who saw it as though of supernatural execution; and the Prince of Lu asked him, saying, “What mystery is there in your art?”
“No mystery, your Highness,” replied Ch’ing. “And yet there is something. When I am about to make such a stand, I guard against any diminution of my vital power. I first reduce my mind to absolute quiescence. Three days in this condition, and I become oblivious of any reward to be gained. Five days, and I become oblivious of any fame to be acquired. Seven days, and I become unconscious of my four limbs and my physical frame. Then, with no thought of the Court present in my mind, my skill becomes concentrated, and all disturbing elements from without are gone. I enter some mountain forest, I search for a suitable tree. It contains the form required, which is afterwards elaborated. I see the stand in my mind’s eye, and then set to work. Beyond that there is nothing. I bring my own native capacity into relation with that of the wood. What was suspected to be of supernatural execution in my work was due solely to this.”
- Chuang Tzu
I do think thats part of the secret to success, having no distraction in worldly success or fame. Some of that tasks I sent my mind to are ultimately worldly though, because I want to leave that positive impact; and anyone who advises getting a job is thinking in an equally worldly way. Certain it is of concern, but I suppose I’ve yet to find a balance I like. I do wonder how much more I could accomplish If I took myself lighter though. Not to be as consumed with the dangers of ideas; as daunted by risk of failure or by trying to meet my own expectations.
I’ve been listening to this song for the last few hours now; I read the lyrics along with it playing and the imagery just struck me as beautiful.
During my daily web comic scan I followed an advert to Geebas on Parade a comic by a fan of Live Action Role Playing. I’ve read through it before and enjoyed it, but it was on hiatus at the time so I didn’t add it to my bookmarks. I’ve never participated in a LARP but seeing the comic again got me thinking about what kind of character I’d play if I did. I looked through some weapon sites and the idea struck me of playing a Satyr. I’ve had an interest in learning a Pan Flute for a few months now and my mind recalled the stilts used in the making of Underworld as perfect for the legs.
The stilt idea sent me on a quest for where to buy or how to make a pair. Turns out they’re called “Digigrade” stilts and NAO Design appears to have a good design but doesn’t list a price. The Satyr character is one I’ve thought about for quite a while, back in ‘05 I was thinking about a character for a comic who would recite an entire section rather like an epic poem. The association there of course lead me to reading the mythology behind the creature again and Wikipedia suggests they were known to speak in an Iambic meter. I know Shakespeare used Iambic Pentameter but the essence of what that sounds like isn’t something I understand.
One of the examples on the Iambic entry from Wikipedia is a line from the poem Ulysses that I found interesting. The name of the poem rings a bell so I decide to hit YouTube because if I’ve heard of it, obviously it must be popular enough to have someone reading it on there. I found the poem, but still the non stressed/stress pattern isn’t really discernible to me. I also stumbled upon Tales of Brave Ulysses and a short discussion of its creation from an episode of Classic Albums which I’m quite taken with. I’ve known the song but never really paid attention to the lyrics before today.
Aside from pretty much listening to the song repeatedly its gotten me thinking about that old comic idea. I had a good degree of thought into it but I no longer care for the time-line I recorded.
Scanning the Tag Surfer on WordPress.com I stumbled across a video using Audio from Alan Watts. I very much enjoyed listening to his philosophy and I’m rather surprised I didn’t stumble across it sooner. I imagine I’ve heard the name, but I never really looked deeper till watching the video on this post.
The video touches on the subject of if existence is a serious matter. I was attracted by the question because it reminded me of an idea in a quote by Lovecraft I used on an earlier post about morality and I was curious to see further opinions. Watts’ thoughts seem to be on a similar wavelength and takes the discussion into valuing life and actually living it. The video really wraps up a lot of what I’ve been thinking about for a long time now. However it still leaves that eternal question of how to apply the philosophy to life in general.
I enjoy the metaphor of life being like a dance or piece of music: the point is not the end but enjoying the entire thing. It is by no means a new idea, but I thought the metaphor very appropriate. The token of wisdom to be applied is find a way to do what you love or love what you do. I suppose it could be repetitive to say but to me there is a distinction between doing what you love and loving what you do. The first is a task that you’ve always enjoyed and wanted to do, the second is one that you’ve learned to love. I know in the long run there isn’t a distinction between the amount of happiness they would bring into someones life, but I have little interest in learning to love tedious things.
I suppose thats not completely true, I can enjoy tedious things I just don’t like being told to do them at a specific pace. Perhaps thats my conflict, I’m in no rush to get things done. Its not that I lack motivation, I just take more time to smell the roses than others, especially when its rarely an interest for most people.
Regardless of how his thoughts apply to me, it was a pleasant surprise to find his outlook. I say its hard to believe I missed him because apparently he is connected with a few areas I’ve dabbled in. He was a friend of Aldous Huxley, knew Joseph Campbell, and is attributed the oft quoted description of a DMT experience (”like loading the Universe into a gun and firing it into your brain”). I always enjoy when webs of association like that pop up.
So its been a bit since I’ve recalled a dream but last night I had two or three. I don’t recall one of them and another was just my brain continuing a storyline for bleach. The final one though happened this morning. It seemed to be about some contest with all my old classmates.
There was another event coming up, some kind of test of strength but the dream was mostly about a race and some of the things that happened after. You could either be on a bike or a rolling chair for race, I had chosen a rolling chair cause it seemed more fun. Starts out with me in a group of people near the front but we quickly get over taken by bikers and other people on chairs. I’m enjoying the wind, as I coast down hills when it hits me that if I were to do the race with my back forward I’d get more speed out of my legs rather than the kind of crab walk you can manage otherwise.
I end up finishing first while it seems like everyone else still had a quarter of the way to go by that point so I hang out in the lobby of this hotel like place. They give me a silver medal on a chain, looks like a dogtag. And mention some kinda $1,005 price, which would become 2,005 if I won the next event as well. I wasn’t really that worried about winning the strength event so I was quite pleased with the reward. Talked to a few people as they got back, but nothing else of real interest happened.
I woke up from it rather pleased, to me it seems counter point with my last post and a reassurance that I might seem behind now but eventually I’ll be well ahead. I could be wrong about its meaning, but this one works for me.
One of the things that had occurred to me since my trip to Peru is a sense of a cyclical nature to thoughts. It seems to me a basic requirement in changing yourself that you need to become aware of both your actions and your reasons for doing them. About a month ago I watched through the Naruto anime episodes, and this week I started on Bleach. I’m rather tempted to say that since I’ve stopped playing Video Games, Anime and Web Comics have filled as that distraction.
I suppose if I tried to be totally honest, my reading of blogs equally driven by procrastination. I can rationalize blogs because it serves both to feed ideas for content here and comments aren’t bad for traffic. Certainly the fact its the main source of traffic is a bit of an issue though, but I just keep putting off finding a more reliable and efficient way. So why have I returned to anime? The entries have been of good quality in my opinion and I was getting close to the amount of traffic I was achieving before I started watching Naruto. Why make the site take a hit again?
I don’t recall what mental state I was in before watching the series one after another like that. However it wouldn’t surprise me if the reason for the dodge is the same. My father has recently been home a lot and it makes it difficult to avoid the question of getting a day job until this site is a source of income. I think about the task plenty as is, but having to answer to someone else I just disappear into a fantasy world. It could easily take over 5 years for this place to become something I could live off, and really might never achieve that point.
I do consider other projects but the same problem as always persists, I never really finish them or get bogged down in details that don’t really matter. Obviously its all a limitation I place upon myself but breaking the habit is tricky when you don’t really dislike the habit. I’m content where I am right now, I don’t see a day job as anything except exchanging the stress of evading the question about getting one for the stress of the job, if anything the job seems like it would bring more than it would relieve. I know from my previous job how easily I can become willing to do something I dislike just because its something to do.
I’d like to get away from a need of money but by the nature of our world its a necessity to survive. I’m rather steadfast in my resistance to getting a job but theres a point where by not getting one, I risk losing access to the site and being able to put effort into it. I’m not as down since going to Peru but my lifestyle hasn’t changed and is still don’t see motivation to press the issue any harder than I used to. I only push as hard as I need to and as I become less materialistic theres less than can be taken away from me. I’d give up my Tabletop group to not get a job, my parents have threaten to disconnect me from the net but thats a double edged sword because then I’m not doing this. Part of me even wants to be given the ultimatum of a job or moving out, just to see how I could do on the street.
Where would I go? No idea, but I’ve no issue with walking there. Perhaps I can find where disinterestedness leads.
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where –” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“– so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
I’ve recently installed the DoFollow Plugin, so that comments left with links will count towards a person’s Google and Technorati rank, haven’t really been getting feedback on my thoughts so hopefully this encourages others to speak up.
I believe I’ve got the Bookmark and Subscribe buttons working, as well as the Email updates through FeedBlitz. And Lastly the site is now on MyBlogLog if people prefer to get updates through there. If there are other sites people would like to see this one connected to, let me know.
In my daily reading through different posts across the WordPress Tag Surfer and MyBlogLog I was attracted to a heavily linked post about compatibility between religion and science. The post, sparked by the recent Einstein letter in the news, makes mention of a William Provine:
Cornell’s William Provine goes so far as to proclaim that science proves not only is there no God but no free will, no foundation for ethics, and no reason or ultimate purpose.
I could rationalize with every part of the sentence except the stance on Free Will, so I followed the link in hopes of seeing how the conclusion was reached. That page didn’t really explain anything further, but I did some searching and pulled up a poll relating scientists thoughts on compatibility between science and religion[The Poll].
My views on free will generally adhere to the wyrd in Norse mythology. It seems logical to me that we never consider all the opinions available when presented with a situation, when taken literally two roads diverging in a yellow wood presents a host of options which beget more options. Free will at its widest suggests that you are equally likely to consider stabbing a bystander as to consider ignoring them. While I do enjoy the idea I doubt that most people contemplate the full breath of options at any one time.
The idea of the Wyrd is that in any situation you are directed to a set of options in harmony with your history(habits, preference, psychology, philosophy, creed etc) and goals for the future. You have fewer options but they are the ones that you would (and do) consider, in effect saying the ones completely outside your character don’t matter because you wouldn’t spend any time thinking about them. When I actually got thinking about it I can concede that Provine could be correct in considering Free Will an Illusion of choice.
Provine takes the stance of Wyrd a step further, suggesting that your history and goals determined the outcome exactly; no matter the degree of which you mentally argue one point to another, the outcome is what it is because of those factors. Now this requires something be said of predestination.
Provine’s stance mirrors Hard Determinism to a greater extent than Fatalism (Fate being predetermined). In fatalism your choices are entirely predetermined, every choice is inevitable. Choice plays a role in different forms of Determinism but Hard Determinism maintains that choice is a result. In Hard Determinism you don’t have freedom of choice but you can modify your destination thought by shifting the paradigm your choices are based on. This happens naturally throughout your life as you learn more and goals for the future shift.
Fatalism reappears here because you don’t just simple chuck out and replace ideas at a whim, its more like sliding a shot glass over a ouija board. You glide the glass over different letters and numbers but don’t automatically stop on them, it may take a few passes before your ready to accept that as a possible destination. The question is whether you are the reason(determinism) you(under the guidance of past and present) come to accept it or if its an outside force(fatalism). It does seem that both cases could still be a argument for fatalism, but both do support the idea that free will isn’t free.
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